Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."

The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"

The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."

A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it ''could not find the printer.'' The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer—but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.

A security man has a dream that the plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash. When he wakes up he calls his boss at home and tells him. Insanely enough, the boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane.

The next day, according to the young man's words, the plane crashes. The relieved boss calls the young man to his office and gives him a reward -- and then fires him. Curious as to why he is fired, the man asks his boss. The boss replies, “You were sleeping on the job.”

A drunk leprechaun was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God", he implored, "let it be blood!"

What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal when they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.

He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.

The cop yelled, "Pull over!"

The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.