This guy is in the hospital with two broken legs that he got from a car crash.

The nurse comes into the room that he is in and says that she has good news and bad news.

The guy asks for the bad news first.

The nurse says, ''We're going to have to remove your legs.''

Then the guy asks for the good news. 

The nurse says, ''The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers.''

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says."Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"Ten," says the doctor."Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"Nine. . ."

Dermatologist: Good News my dear, after looking through your test results I'm happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples. 

Girl: Wow! That's great! Why?

Dermatologist: There's no more space.

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live".

The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"

The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".

"Just name it, I''''ll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?

The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.''

''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.''

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.

So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,''Where's my heart located?''

''On a woman, it's usually located under her left breast,'' the doctor replied.

The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.