Английские анекдоты

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Four: one to climb the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.

Definition of a Lawyer: A person who puts two men into a fight and runs off with their clothes.

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?
His lips start moving.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.

“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.

“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course; the other three don't exist.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...