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Английские анекдоты

сортировка:

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters,  the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Рейтинг: (2.4)

A question had appeared in a student's medical examination which read: "List four benefits of breast milk." A student began to answer the question:
1. No need to bottle it.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

But the fourth point eluded him.

When there were barely a couple of minutes before the exam ended, the fourth point flashed before his mind. So he completed the answer by writing:

4. Available in attractive containers.

Рейтинг: (2.4)

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

Рейтинг: (1.5)

There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head. They were all sitting in a hair salon talking about their daughters.

The brunette says,"I was lookin throuh my daughter's purse and I found a pack of cigarettes! Do you believe that my daughter smokes!!

So then the redhead says, "Oh my gosh, I was looking through my daughter's purse and i found alcohol! Do you believe she's been drinking!!

So then the blond says "I was looking through my daughter's purse and I found a condom! Do you believe my daughter has a penis?!"

Рейтинг: (2.0)

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

Рейтинг: (2.3)

What's the difference between a hooker, a nymphomaniac, and a sorority sister?


The hooker says, ''Are you done already?''
The nympho says, ''Oh no! You're not done already!?''
The sorority sister says, ''Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.''

Рейтинг: (2.0)

Men are like toilets, they're either taken, unavaliable, taking a piss or just full of shit.

Рейтинг: (1.8)

A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.

Рейтинг: (2.6)

This guy is in the hospital with two broken legs that he got from a car crash.

The nurse comes into the room that he is in and says that she has good news and bad news.

The guy asks for the bad news first.

The nurse says, ''We're going to have to remove your legs.''

Then the guy asks for the good news. 

The nurse says, ''The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers.''

Рейтинг: (2.1)

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says."Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"Ten," says the doctor."Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"Nine. . ."

Рейтинг: (2.0)
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